Loners

I am 31 and have never been alone.


Well, yes. I have been alone. I drive around all day by myself for work, I have the occasional hour at home by myself on Tuesday mornings when Bri brings X to Granny's.



But last night I was in a hotel room in NJ by myself for work.
I thought for a second it might be nice, I could eat a meal, sleep without being awoken, embrace some alone time.
And the second I walked through the door I was uncomfortable.
I didn't want to be alone in the hotel. I didn't want to sit in a restaurant alone. And I certainly didn't want to go to sleep without nighttime rituals. Tubs, stories, cuddles and kisses.
I tried to fall asleep, and literally my heart hurt.

I am certain that this comes from being the 6th of seven kids. I have always been surrounded. Its where I find my peace.
The presenter at my two day seminar was a mother of 6.

6.

And she was 2,000 miles away.
And half the time she was speaking I kept wondering how many times she was thinking of her kids, and family and life at home.
And like a dope, when I had a 2 second elevator ride with her in the hotel and she asked me my plans I fumbled with struggling being without my people for 1 night for the first time (well really the first time was when Leen and I drove home from FL. but again, this time I was alone).
And she kinds of half smiled at me and I jumped off at my floor.


And I left my room originally with great hopes of a meal at TGIF's and some quality me time.
Then I quickly returned to my room after a trip to the grocery store, where I ate a dinner of cheese and crackers and tried to fall asleep.





And that was my first trial.
I know that I can do it. I am physically able.
But it's not right for me.
And after actually doing it, I know that for real.