Nine Invisible Months

Did I ever tell you my due date was supposed to be September 8th? I said "I think it will be the 10th" Eric said "Ok. That's your guess."

I laughed. "No, let me change it after a few appointments."

Silly me.

There were no appointments.

(from a journal entry to myself - 3/15/12)

I need to write this post. 
I need to write this post because today is the day I was supposed to become a mother.  

Instead, I cried. 
I have cried a lot the past months. As I have mourned the loss of life inside me and the milestones of a pregnancy that was never really mine. 

I cried for a baby that never got to be and I cried for the mother I am not. 

We planted a tree because I need this day to be about life, not death. About growing, and not disappearing. 

It rained as we dug the hole and it rained as we placed her in it. It rained as I took a family picture and it rained as I stood there crying. Looking at this tree that is, for many reasons beautiful, I thought she looked lonely. I cried about that, too. But, now she is here, and I can take care of her.

And before I left her, out there in the dark, I said to her "I hope you like it here." 

Her leaves made a heart against the dark stormy sky.

 I think that was her answer.