The Tree. And My Baby Who Will Always Be.

Despite the heavy rain and strong wind of late, this morning my Baby Tree looked healthy, happy even.

I checked on her as I do most every morning. Sometimes I don't even venture outside.

My wondering eyes peer at her through the front window. Does she know I love her?

Other times we do rock painting, bug catching, worm racing - right in her very shade.

I thinks she likes these days the most. I know I do. Can she feel me thinking about her?

It was three years ago I selected and planted Baby Tree. Just there up in front, by the white picket fence. She deserved one of the most prominent spots I could find in the yard.

It was three more days after her roots hit the soil that I went back to the nursery in pursuit of the perfect Mother Tree to stand guard in the garden behind her. When Mother Tree was in her place with ample water and plenty of soil steadying her, the ache that had hijacked my heart -my world really, finally subsided to the point where I could inhale.

Inhale. Deeply.

Though three years have gone by, I still wonder.

Every day I wonder.

Oh! How I wonder....

Though three years have gone by, I hurt.

Who would have guessed it would still hurt?

The ache fills my heart as I type....

Inhale. Deeply.

And, though three years have gone by, I still love.

My heart overflows with love -

For the baby I never got a chance to see -

- my baby who will always be.

Maireann croí éadrom i bhfad.

Sidelined.

So Dec's first day is tomorrow.

We had our very, very, very lovely back to school dinner soiree this evening.

Yes, the children wore their crowns. They used the sterling silver and the Wedgewood plates.

More pics to come. I promise. Including the theme for the 2010-2011 school year.

But as I tuck away to bed tonight, it isn't Dec my heart is breaking for

(well it isn't just Dec)

Because it isn't just me he leaves behind tomorrow.

For two years she hasn't taken her eyes off him.

His biggest fan in the world will be there to watch him roll away too.

I wonder who will cry more....

if only i had known....

if only i had known what to do, but it's not in the books, or the blogs, or the forums.

for two nights we have been up crying, playing, screaming, crying some more, the ear infection has been a nightmare for all parties involved.

finally after watching freestyle skiing for an hour at 3 am, he found the place he wanted to be.

a place i never would have placed him in a million years.

he flipped and he flopped and squirmed his way out of my arms, down to my feet, where he nuzzled himself into the crook of my foot. where he finally strung together 3 hours of sleep.

if only i had known thats where he wanted to be... i would have made it happen earlier