An uninspired attempt at a post.

You know what a parent told me yesterday?

Do you?

They told me I am EXACTLY the type of first grade teacher

that a kid should have.

When they go home

and my word is gold.

Well.

It went straight to my head.

One What?

It has only dawned on me now that yesterday, the hubby offered to do a really nice thing for me.

In the midst of a dumping snow storm, and after hours working on a press release about a topic not worthy of any news....

I tossed my head back (and away from my computer) and said, "ahhhhh, I just need a diet coke..." (knowing, full well - that our fridge contained only seltzer, milk and ginger ale...).

A few minutes later he had Nonie bundled in her snow suit and one hand on the door...

He was on his was to "collect Dec from school" and turned back toward me:

"So, do you want me to get you one...?"

"One what?!", came my confused reply.

"A diet coke," he said - clearly in disbelief that I'd forgotten my cry to the heavens so quickly.

"Oh!....

"Oh! Oh noooooo - you don't even pass a store on the way to Dec's school....." I said, feeling ashamed I'd made such a stink about caffeine.

And so, I didn't have a diet coke.

No coke for me.

But,

I had something infinitely better:

A husband who listened and cared.

Even in this tiniest of ways.

And I appreciate that.

And him. Oh yes, I do.

WINTER

ARE WE

READY FOR

SUMMER

YET

???

Hey Dec Where We Going?

"Just hang on Xavey...and I'll take you on the ride of your life!"

Happy House Homemade...

with love of course......

Alive in the Books.

K.T.

There is a woman who influenced me. And now she is gone.
I just learned today from Erin that she is gone.

I once worked with her and she had an eye for all things fashion, current, and chic.
The way she flattered customers from the minute they walked through the door, and giggled as she rang up their thousand dollar sales ... that was the K.T. way.

She had the best laugh, and I can hear it as I type.

With no kids of her own, she spent a lot of time with her sister's children.
I really loved and admired the relationship that Karen had with them all.
She would talk about the three kids. Always.

Karen would talk to me about the day they'd all take the library by storm. "Library Day" - she'd call it.
I listened as she talked. She'd tell me about the books the twins had checked out when she went with them.

Sometimes, the girls and their tiny brother would come to the 'Tweed and race around with a new book in hand while their mom re-designed the display windows.
K.T. would chat with each of the kids, and ask them questions about their books. They seemed to glow in their Aunt's undivided attention. Probably because she really listened to them when they talked about their books. Her world would suddenly halt, when the children presented their latest "Library Day" finds.

I never knew how closely I paid attention to any of this, until today.

***

Why do I remember this?
Why do I remember this today, now that K.T. is gone?

***

I was much younger when I knew Karen well.

I was fresh out of college and had my sights set on three things: dating the love of my life, accumulating as much of the gear that we sold in that store, and oh, yeah - figuring out my career....

Now I am older.

I married that love of my life.
I still wear much of the gear amassed during those few years at the 'Tweed.
And my career seems to be moving in the right direction.

But "Library Day" has its place in my world, too.

***

Now, with two children of my own, my weekly "To Do" list includes going to the library with them.
Since Declan was an infant, we'd hit the library at least once a week. Karen was, without a doubt, the inspiration for those first few trips.
Suddenly, we'd established such a routine that it felt odd to not go to the library every week.

***

Today, after hearing the news about K.T., I paused and thought of her while standing with my two kids in the middle of our library.
A tiny hand held each of mine, and for a long time I felt very, very sad.

***

Karen is the reason our librarians greet my children by name.

Karen is the reason our library basket is overflowing with books every day of the year.

And, she is the reason I encourage my children to love libraries and all they contain.

***
There is a woman who influenced me. And now she is gone.

I'm having a hard time believing she is gone.

But in every way imaginable, Karen will be Alive In The Books we cart home in our canvass bag, on "Library Day" each week.

no no bad dog

the best worst dog there was.
once he found a scent, his nose went up, his eyes targeted you, and that was his cue to you.

I'M GONE.
and i'm not running.
i will slowly saunter away from you, and ignore your calls and bellows.


and you will find me sniffing in the neighbors yard after driving around in the rain for two hours.

but i will always come back, and be happy to see you.

before there was a bri.
before there was a xavy.
there was ray, my original boy.



i hope you have found your scent again, and it leads you somewhere beautiful.

He couldn't see.

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.

MLK,J

Friday morning, a second grade boy woke up to find that he couldn't find anything. He couldn't see. His parents rushed him to the hospital and by lunchtime the news his teacher got was actually nothing new at all. 


He couldn't see. 


I thought about him all weekend. I prayed for him every night and when I sunk my knees into the pew yesterday morning at church I prayed some more. 


It's nobody's fault. Of course. The teacher had been telling his mom, he looks pale, he's saying he's tired. But such is the life of a second grader sometimes, no? Growing pains, and things like that.

It's nobody's fault that, of course, that the news this morning was new. 


Leukemia. 


Just like that. 


His little brother moved around my classroom quietly this morning. His grandparent's, in school for grandparent's day, declared that they hadn't been expecting to come. 

Talk about not expecting something. 
............................................................................................................


Things get put into perspective really quickly sometimes. A trip to the doctor left me crying and agitated. Frustrated with myself and my body.

Let me just get home.


Oh, right. I can see. I am ok. This, too, shall pass. 


An email from a mom. Her daughter doesn't have anyone to dress alike with on twin day. She will bring another friend, from another school. OR ELSE. She won't come at all.


Can she see?
I want to ask. 
..........................................................................................................


It is hard, on a day like today, to be selfish. To even pity yourself at all. When great men have struggled and young children lay sick.


At our faculty meeting Father talked about the eyes of faith. 

For those time when you can't see the road ahead. And you don't know how long it is. Or if you'll make it at all. Those are the times when you have to believe.


You just have to. 


Because if you don't. Seriously. Then what?

Where did it go?

A funny thing just happened here in Happy House at 1:04am.

My new post jumped below my old post. So scroll down yo!

And you'll find it. It is a post about Outlaws.

Hopefully it is down there somewhere.....

Keep looking.

Or not.

In the meantime, isn't this a cute picture of 3 of my favorite people posing as icicles? I've probably already used it on here but sometimes things are so nice you have to use them twice.

Brrrrrrrrrr.

For the Birds.

Behold the birds of the air...

I have no idea how much snow we have but the cars are completely buried.

7:40am and it is still falling. Sideways.

Just watched my neighbor trudge through the process of shoveling.

But what interested me the most is that she didn't shovel her path to her car.

She shoveled her path to her bird feeder.

This was the first thing she did when she stepped outside this morning.

I also know that she has a barn full of animals waiting for her to feed them this morning just down the road - but since the plows haven't moved through this area yet - she has little hope of getting out.

Since I had just offered up food to the hungry birds sitting helplessly outside my kitchen window - I found my neighbors actions interesting.

In full disclosure, I took the lazy route and simply moved trays of salted sunflower seeds to the front porch. Yes, seeds right out of the cupboard since I've run out of our bagged birdseed. It is just far too early to start shoveling...(jeesh, I haven't even had my tea yet!).

As I moved from the window I couldn't help but think of the verse Mom painted in our vaulted kitchen wall (framing the window to the outside) in the house we lived in when we were younger. You'll surely find variations of Matthew 6:26 if you run a search for it, but this is how I remember it written:

Behold the birds of the air;

they sow not

nor do they reap,

yet your Heavenly Father feeds them.

Oh Yes He Does.

And He Feeds Me As Well.

The Outlaws Moving In.

Look Carefully.

What do you see?

* picture is incomplete (one very important outlaw is missing but I don't have a pic with all 7, does anyone???!?)

***

The first time I was introduced to the idea of an "Outlaw", I was 16 years old and had just landed at JFK airport after a 14-day dogsledding trip with complete strangers in the middle of nowhere Minnesota (alas - that is a different story for a different day).

Dad and Mom broke the news to me once my gear was loaded into the car.

"Tinker Toy the Family Joy is getting married".

Married?

Cue the tears.

Cue more of my tears.

(I'm pretty sure I cried for 36-months straight.)

For, I had lost my big sister. Lost her Forever.

So it seemed at the time.

It is kind of funny now, but it wasn't at all funny then when the majority of our family cried as T got in the suburban after her wedding in front of our old vineyard house en route to her honey moon in Nantucket.

It is as if our world came to a crashing halt. The joy in our family had been whisked away by someone else.

Who?

Who would do this to me you ask?

An Outlaw.

That's who.

***

Outlaws.

For years I wasn't sure if I loved the fact that Outlaws made our family bigger (funnier, more exciting)....

or simply hated the fact that they took a piece of me (specifically - my childhood) with them when they married off one of my dearly loved siblings. Yes, this is about Me.

Married sibling confirms to the world that I should kiss my dear childhood away - one wedding at a time.

***

Just a few days ago - over Christmas & New Years I spent some time with the Outlaws. The whole slew of them were in VT for the festivities.

After many careful observations of their interactions with my siblings, I realized that (in many cases) the Outlaws do what I'm supposed to do (love my sibling effortlessly & unconditionally and make them feel like they are super-amazing ...and all that good stuff) much better than I do, or ever could dream of doing.

And, as easily as that awkward, run-on sentence up there is to read - admitting that reality about my Outlaws is quite difficult for me to do.

***

On Christmas morning I was sandwiched between my big brother and my sister-in-law as my bro unwrapped his gifts. She sat anxiously on her knees telling me to watch him unwrap his next gift. (Upon writing this all down now I realize that, it probably would have been most appropriate if I hadn't been between them - but that thought didn't enter my mind at the time...Can I get a "third wheel" from the crowd?)

Carrying on:

In a box he uncovered a pair of smartwool socks. Laughing, he explained that he loved these (socks) and this weight wool or something in particular. And I truly think he would have been fine if the gift had ended there. Trust me, this is my brother we're talking about - he's a simpleton.

But, since my sister-in-law knows my brother (much better than I do at this point, gulp), she pointed out to him that the socks had a unique name on the back.

And behold, on the back in the label section, my brother found seat assignments (front row) to his favorite musician who he's always wanted to see live in concert.

(And since you're undoubtedly wondering: No. Sadly, there wasn't a ticket for me on the back of those smartwool socks....which is when I (the Christmas 3rd Wheel) excused myself to fetch a cup of tea.)

But before I left the scene I noted:

He is happy. He is Really happy.

***

I observed the two of them again as I swam with the kids. They sat peacefully in chairs just at the edge of the pool. They spoke not a word but were in each other's presence and they looked so happy.

I floated on my back for a sec, thinking - "wow, my brother married the perfect person".

***

In just a matter of weeks, I get the distinct honor to welcome another Outlaw into my life.

He is brave to marry the baby of this family. Brave, Brave Sir Eric.

And in these days leading up to the wedding, as the excitement builds with each day's passing,

I can't help but think - "wow, my sister has found the perfect person".

***

Brave, Brave Sir Eric will soon join the other Outlaws and

He will become...

One of us.

Are you ready?

***

Even though it will be one more huge step away from my childhood...

The Baby's Marriage to Eric is one giant leap toward knowing that one more of my siblings is in great hands.

Forever.

There is such peace of mind that comes to me with each and every marriage.

***

So I ask you again to

Look Carefully.

What do you see?

Each one a blessing and a welcome addition to our expanding family tree.

P.S. Welcome & thank you Brave, Brave Sir Eric for being The Baby's best friend.

safety net

In about 2 months time I am going to be a misses. Missus? Mrs? Let me tell you how I feel about it...
WEIRD!
Also, so excited. And hopeful. Maybe even a bit relieved.
But before I get to many of those emotions there's one thing that I have to get over. This sense of, oh, maybe modesty is the word I'm looking for. Even a bit of independence. Because I can't do it all on my own. I was thinking last night, as I lay in bed focusing all my energy on taking deep breaths, about the times I have really yelled at someone. Or the times I have cried myself to sleep. For whatever reason. Often no reason at all. And I remember being much younger and more naive, I would say, over and over "I am not strong enough for this".
And He listened.
And as I've said time and time over, He's scaled back. Or made me stronger. And I can almost always handle my lot in life. But now I don't have to do it alone.
I don't know if E is my "better" half, but he does help make me better.
So I reward him for that. By opening up a little more of myself. By letting him help a little more. By telling him about ailments and issues and some things in between.
Tonight, as he towered over me in his work boots, I told him about the funny noises and smells my car was making. I felt like a little girl. I felt like he could take care of me.

And he did.
And he does.
And I truly think he always will.