Lift High the Cross

The Recessional Hymn today was "Lift High the Cross" and frankly, I've never heard it sung with more energy or fervor. I am certain the angels heard us.

Lift high the cross

The love of Christ proclaim

Till all the world

adore His sacred name...

As I sat in St. Pat's I couldn't help but wonder about, how many of us were wondering about, how many people would be at our funerals, when we were the ones to die. At communion the people poured fourth. And didn't stop coming. What a testament to Muzz and her bountiful love. And how incredibly humbling for all us witnesses.

As Uncle Bri so pointedly stated, "Death is so final...". And it is. It is, I thought as I listened to his words and stared at the half-masted-flag billowing above the hundreds of mourners that filed into MKCC today. And the stinging began in the backs of my eyes once again. All I can believe, I told Bri, is that we go to some place more special than this.

It is hard to go there - into the depths of my mind wondering and worrying and worrying and wondering about what happens when we die. And I feel like I've been there a lot lately. Fielding the countless and unyielding questions from my curious wondering 4 year-old who always seems to ask the REALLY hard ones, just when I'm at my weakest moments. Today HE told ME that Muzz went to heaven by helicopter. Excellent, I thought. He knows far more about this than I.

And then I drift along again thinking how hard it is to imagine the world drifting along. Carrying on. Carrying on without me. Or today, without Muzz. The sea of people on the buffet line, ordering drinks from the bar, making small talk about the hot weather. Where WAS MUZZ?

Was she with us? Could she hear us singing? Did she see?

Fast forward three hours to an energy filled car-ride (thanks to a bag of 6 oreos). Dec and I were to deliver Mads to Muffs for dinner and reunite her with her amazingly wonderful parents. (P.S. you really are the best).

With Dec and Mads, chittering and chattering in the back, I turned up the volume on the cd and tuned them out for a few moments. I reflected on the day. Where do we go? How will Mr. Z fair by himself? What will his world be like without her?

My questions were abruptly interrupted by words being belted from the back seat. Mads was singing along (with fervor!) to one of my faves. Not to be outdone, Dec chimed in moments later. I turned the volume way up and savored every moment of hearing these two cousins sing the words to a song that I never would have guessed they'd know the words to.

It goes a little something like this:

I welcome the sun,
the clouds and rain,
the wind that sweeps the sky clean
and lets the sun shine again.
this is the most magnificent life has ever been.
here is heaven and earth
and the brilliant sky in between.

blessed is this life
and I'm gonna celebrate being alive.
blessed is this life
and I'm gonna celebrate being alive

I dwell in the darkness
I let in the light
I sleep in the afternoon
and become the noise in the night
I trespass in temptation
suffered in sacrifice
but I awake each day with a new sunrise

blessed is this life, oh
and I'm gonna celebrate being alive
blessed is this life, oh
and I'm gonna celebrate being alive

~ Brett Dennen (the amazing brett dennen)

And, as I pulled into Muffs, the two wee ones still belting out the words, I thought that maybe -just maybe - that was Muzzy telling me not to worry so much about the future, but to enjoy the brilliance of now.

And just like that, I had some of the answers to my questions from earlier in the day.

She was with us.

She could hear us singing.

And she did see.